So, since the purpose of this blog is to help me reflect and write down my feelings about practice sessions, I decided to do so about my auditions.
Tuesday I auditioned for Large Ensembles here at Ohio University. We had two pieces to play--the first movement of Hindemith's Symphony in Bb (flute 1), and Strauss' Overture to Die Fledermaus (flute 1 and piccolo). At OU, we are expected to learn the entire work, and then excerpts are picked at the audition for us to play. I've been rehearsing the pieces for a few weeks, and had a few run through sessions since I've arrived on campus. While I didn't feel like the pieces were perfect, I did feel at least comfortable with them.
Nerves can really affect your playing. Since coming to college I've been seen as the "relaxed", "laid-back", "easy-going" flutist. I don't get upset on a regular basis, and emotions outside of the music I'm playing rarely creep into my performance. I thought I had conquered any nerve "problems" I had and felt confident that I could walk into my audition with focus and nail it.
But I did something that surprised me when I walked onto stage at my audition. I felt nervous. I couldn't seem to get my mind to calm down and focus on the music in front of me and I didn't like it. I suddenly didn't feel secure, didn't feel confident. My first few excerpts seemed to fly by. I didn't sound like myself. I was stumbling over notes, my technique was uneven and frantic, and I just didn't feel comfortable. For someone who is calm most of the time, this was a new sensation.
After the first few excerpts, I had to mentally talk myself down off the cliff, so to speak. I had to control my nerves. I wasn't going to let it get the better of me. Before I played the next piece (the Hindemith) I took a few deep breaths, and told myself to focus. I almost yelled at myself, standing on a stage behind a screen. "Stop this. Don't ruin it for yourself. You don't have bad auditions. You know this music. Calm down. Focus." After my own personal pep-talk, I dove into the Hindemith. The first excerpt was the hardest, and I knew I wouldn't play it perfectly. But I still managed to get through it and maintain some bit of dignity. I felt myself relax. My sound was becoming normal, my technique was becoming even. I could still pull this around.
I knew that I had not shown the focus and cleanness that I was used to being praised for on the first piece. In order to maintain my respect and not be written off, I needed to keep my nerves in check and finish the Hindemith cleanly, play my piccolo excerpt well, and then really ace the sight reading. I was prepared to do that. The rest of the Hindemith went by quickly, without any huge mistakes. I was able to show some sense of musicality, to enjoy what I was doing. I was back in the game.
Next up was the piccolo excerpt, which went by without a hitch. Now the proud owner of a new Burkhart piccolo, I was able to trust the instrument to give me the sound I wanted. I just had to supply the technique, especially for the fast excerpt that had been selected. I sang it in my head for a moment, collected my thoughts, took a big breath, and went. It sounded how I had planned, how I had heard it on the recordings. I was glad to be done with excerpts.
I only had one more thing to finish before I could walk out of my audition and decompress for the night; Sight Reading. I glanced at it, and was surprised to see that it looked easy. Then I did my normal sight-reading thing--I started to overthink it. Why would they select something that wasn't technically difficult? Simple rhythms, clean melody, slight dynamics, nothing crazy. "Focus, Katelyn." I had to remind myself to pay attention. To stop freaking out. My nerves had already gotten the better of the Strauss, and I had to play the sight reading well. Then I realised--it wasn't some big test, some big trick, it really was just what was written on the page. I had spent my summer practicing the basics just for this moment. And I did. I played the sight reading like my life depended on it. I just had fun. Playing for enjoyment, not to be critiqued. I almost forgot that this was an audition and that I was being judged based on everything I did. It was my first break through during an audition. I've never managed to pull myself together so quickly and focus so intently on one thing in my life.
I walked out of the Recital Hall happy with my performance. While it wasn't my best, and I need to figure out how my nerves got the better of me, I was proud of what I had left out on the stage. It felt good to be done. And I was completely EXHAUSTED. I went back to my room and watched NetFlix, ate popcorn, and did NOTHING productive. And doing nothing never felt quite as relaxing.
Wednesday I had another audition, for placement in a Jazz Combo at OU. I felt good about this audition, Jazz is something I can pour my heart into and just get it all out there. It's relaxing for me. Wrong notes turn into blue notes, rhythms are fluid, everything is just so calming. After finally conquering my sight-reading freak out yesterday, I felt good about the jazz sight reading I was going to do today. And improv and I were old friends. This one had to go well.
I got to Dr. James' office about 2 minutes early--my secret to audition success. Those few minutes give you time to concentrate on the audition that is coming up. I waited 5 minutes or so, because he was running behind. When the time came for my audition I felt confident. I talked calmly, casually, and easily with Dr. James' about my ensemble experience, lesson instruction, and the open mic night's I attend regularly in Toledo. He started me off with sight-reading, which went great. I kept my focus, and yesterday's nerves were not making an appearance today. After sight-reading a few big band parts, it was time for the improv. He selected Tootsie, a standard blues head that I've heard before. The playing of the head was great, and the improv was better. It was flawless. I showed him everything I had.
Afterwards he thanked me and told me he would pass me along to the combo instructors, who would place me in one of the combos. I felt good. No nerves today. Afterwards I didn't need to decompress. I went on about my day practicing, hanging out with friends, and doing homework.
Life is good.
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